(*Author’s note: as it is nearing Halloween, the Huskers have yet another easy opponent, and since the NFL doesn’t bring us enough violence anymore, I decided that now would be the ideal time to found a new entertainment league.
As a horror movie aficionado, who is currently busy gorging myself on slasher films, thrillers, and terribly acted teen murder movies that grace the entire month of October, I decided that we should set up an imaginary league that will allow the general public, or the whack-jobs like myself who love the horror film genre, a way to debate and enjoy their favorite psychopaths and villains. This first post will discuss the layout and division of the league and lay the foundation for when/where/and how the league will work. The next post will chronicle the NHA draft.)
Location for the Draft: If this event were to happen, it would have to go down in New York. Even though, in the horror genre, there’s not a more disgusting, vile, easy-to-slash-people-in-broad-daylight-and-get-away-with-it kind of city.
(*Author’s note: seriously, New York is the villain in more than a few slasher flicks. It’s ridiculous. I’ve been there and I wasn’t stabbed a single time and the worst thing that happened to me was a dude trying to sell me a fake Rolex. After I declined, he offered me weed directly in front of my parents. I bought neither but found the city to be amazing and entirely devoid of serial killers and dead bodies on every corner.)
Since we have a location, the draft would also have to be televised.
I’m thinking the SyFy network would be the ideal candidate. They continue defy all human logic by turning a profit and, despite their gratuitous lack of spelling ability, have the audience base that would be willing to turn off their X-Box 360s and put down their graphic novels to watch such a historic event.
The eight teams would need managers and home cities to represent in the National Horror Association. Without further ado, ladies and gentleman of No Coast Bias, I give you the teams and managers of this new league.
The Minneapolis Maybe He’s Actually Dead This Times
(Owner: George A. Romero)
The zombie king loves himself some horror movies. While the league doesn’t cater specifically to the undead hordes that Romero tends to love the most, he would be an ideal owner due to the fact that the zombie industry is currently responsible for half of our national GDP. Seriously. The Government may be shut down but if they could just work out some kind of profit sharing with The Walking Dead (*Author’s note: and its 16 Million viewers that watched the season debut on Monday) we’d be home free.
The Philadelphia Flickering Lights
(Owner: Jack Nicholson)
Jack Nicholson has starred in more horror movies than he’d like to admit. Some were okay (see: Wolf), some were great (see: The Shining) and some were dirt (see: The Witches of Eastwick and any other movie that stars Cher, really). However, one thing is clear: Jack has a lot of free time and there are only so many 18-year-olds and only so many you nights you can spend free-basing a Viagra buffet before you just need to find something else to do. Here’s Jack’s chance. He’s a horror movie icon and you can just imagine the highly dramatic rants he could use when chastising the media. In fact, here’s what he’d look like telling reporters to come after him, because he’s a man and he’s 40. Or 75.
The Niagara Trips and Falls Over Nothings
(Owner: M. Night Shyamalan)
Shyamalan, once a promising rookie on the horror movie scene, hit a sophomore slump that’s lasted all the way to graduate school. He had a legitimately creepy, smash hit in The Sixth Sense and followed that up with the utterly horrifying Stuart Little (*Author’s note: has there ever been a stranger 1-2 punch than a horror phenom cranking out The Sixth Sense followed up immediately by a kids movie about a family dumb enough to adopt a mouse? Let me repeat: THEY ADOPTED A MOUSE!) He then peaked with Signs, which was one of the creepier Alien movies of the early 2000s, and wrote half of a really scary movie called The Village.
After the midway point in The Village, Shyamalan’s career took a downward turn. He started believing the hype surrounding his mini-empire in the making and cranked out a series of craptastic movies, including one where plants try to kill “The New Girl” and her husband, Marky Mark. He is the horror equivalent of Shawn Kemp: a staggering amount of potential and a great beginning of his career that crashes to a brutal, overweight (or in this case over budget) end. So, M. Night’s final tally? 2.5 scary movies, millions in the bank from his early successes and now he’s making a comeback by owning a team. He needs this more than anyone.
Pittsburgh Pre-Marital Sexers
(Owner: Jamie Lee Curtis)
Jamie Lee Curtis was once labeled a “Scream Queen” by people who can apparently appoint you as such. She had an epic run of horror movie madness starting with her starring role in the ultimate slasher film (*Author’s note: I’ll debate you on this if you challenge me) Halloween. She followed that up two years later with The Fog, Prom Night, and Terror Train in 1980 and then brought it home with Road Games, Halloween II, and a made-for-T.V. joint called Death of a Centerfold: The Dorothy Stratten Story. That’s the horror equivalent of the early 2000s Lakers teams. She also starred in a cinematic gem called Freaky Friday which, despite it’s title, wasn’t designed to be a horror movie. We’ll give her bonus points for working with Lindsay Lohan, who at that time was almost certainly psychotically addicted to blow and was challenging Macauly Culkin for the “too much, too soon” all-time championship. So good a stretch did Curtis have in her heyday, that we can even forgive her for now pitching products to help old people poop more often. Welcome to the league.
The Portland Prank Calls From the Killer
(Owner: Wes Craven)
Craven is horror movie royalty. The creator of not one but two horror super-franchises, having created both the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise and the Scream movies, and having written and directed countless other horror movies, he makes perfect sense to man this franchise.
The Dallas Dream Within a Dream Sequences
(Owner: Stephen King)
He’s a bajillion-kajillion-quintillionaire. As the esteemed pop culture critics, the Ying Yang twins, would say: he’s got fifty-leven billion dollars. He’s the best horror story writer since Edgar Allan Poe and countless novels and short stories of his have been turned into movies that range anywhere from terrible to awesome. Are most of his books and stories far, far better than his TV and/or major motion pictures? Certainly. Should that stop one of the biggest names in the genre from owning a franchise in the NHA? Hell no.
The Utah Underage Binge Drinkers
(Owner: Tobe Hooper)
Bear with me here, the seven of you that have continued to read this far down. I wasn’t entirely sure who Tobe Hooper was either until I started IMDBing the hell out of this idea. Suddenly his name was everywhere. He hasn’t even bothered to try anything but horror movies. Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Salem’s Lot, Poltergeist. All classic horror flicks. All directed by Hooper. He was also behind movies with amazing titles, if not plotlines, like Eaten Alive, The Mangler, and my favorite: Spontaneous Combustion. His pedigree and dedication to the genre make him an obvious choice for owner.
The San Francisco Shower Scenes
(Owner: Zombie Al Davis)
Bear with me here. Because Davis only recently kicked the bucket but — and I’m sure that George A. Romero was delighted by this amazingly convenient plot twist — as it turns out. . .he’s not actually dead. He’s the undead. That’s right. Al Davis, long believed to be a corpse that is somehow shambling around in the delectable combination of Pampers, sweatsuits and gold chains, has decided that, since the Raiders are almost look like they’re onto something with Terrelle Pryor, he needs to find another team to run directly into the ground. Zombie Al Davis had this to say about getting his new team, “Arrrggghhh. . .ungggh. . .annnnnggggghhhh.”
League Commissioner: John Carpenter
When choosing a commish for this league, I wasn’t sure exactly which way to go. While “The Ghost of Steve Jobs” and “Alfred Hitchcock the 4th” were all high in the running I couldn’t shy away from the master of all horror. I also looked into the man who wrote the original Friday the 13th but found out, much to my very real, very-un-Hollywood-scripted terror that he spent most of his time writing for All My Children. Yes, that All My Children. (*Author’s note: I must admit, in the realm of genuine shock, the stupor level when I saw that was near a 12.9)
Finally I settled on The Man. The guy who has the single greatest horror movie, and horror movie franchise to his name: Halloween. Without him, who knows where Jamie Lee Curtis’ career would be. Activia certainly wouldn’t be aiding and abetting seniors in their deuce droppage with nearly as great an effect, that much is for certain.
Carpenter fits the mold. He’s a five-tool horror player: writing, directing, producing, editing, and composing his own music. He has the resume (See: The Thing, Halloween II) the staying power, and once cast Ice Cube as a convict that must fight alien zombies to save a mining town in Mars and also cast Rowdy Roddy Piper in They Live (*Author’s note: this cult classic features one of my favorite lines in movie history, “I came here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. . .and I’m all out of bubblegum” and the single greatest fistfight in all of moviedom) Don’t believe he should be the commish? Check this out:
I know it’s not directly horror related, but THAT is commissioner worthy.
So the basis for the league is now set. We have our two divisions:
The Legends
– Niagara (regional team, in Buffalo Metropolitan area)
– Minneapolis
– Pittsburgh
– Philly
The Bleeders
– San Francisco
– Utah
– Portland
– Dallas
So with the divisions set, the commissioner in place and the deep-pocketed, occasionally dead, owners in place the league is ready to go.
Up next. . .the NHA Draft.
